Everyday Stuff America Sucks At (Compared To Everybody Else)


Americans Continue To Be Too Uptight To Use Bidets

As per the teachings of the Canadian Americanologist Chad Kroeger, the true American Dream is to have a brand new house on an episode of Cribs and a bathroom you can play baseball in. Yet despite all that room to spare in these cavernous halls of cleansing, Americans are still real anal about not installing bidets.

Bidets have been in use for centuries by the kind of cultures who don’t like the idea of digging into your recently soiled buttcrack with only the gossamer promise of a cartoon teddy bear keeping your hand from being streaked by your own effluents. But from time immemorial, English-speaking countries have had an inbred aversion to anything French, and aside from putting an ashtray onto someone’s back during a threesome, bidets are about as decadently French as things can get. A reputation that was only strengthened during World War II when American GIs encountered these poop chute cleaners in French brothels, linking immorality to the innocent gift of feeling like you’re being cleansed by the trumpeting cherub atop a Roman fountain.

Everyday Stuff America Sucks At (Compared To Everybody Else) Funny Wikimedia Commons/Turpin CatherineThe height of French hygiene.

As a result, Americans still tear through toilet paper at a rate of 36.5 billion roles or 15 million trees a year, a dependency that didn’t need to happen if its pilgrim pooper Puritanism hadn’t scorned a cleaning tool much more copacetic to colons and the climate than those moist towelettes that lie about being biodegradable. It took a worldwide plague and a thousand toilet paper shortage memes for Americans to even start considering squatting over bidets instead of continuing to expect they’d just transition from pieces of wadded paper straight to the three seashells system like a bunch of Stallones.


Who The Hell Still Uses The Imperial System?

The United States of America prides itself on being a young nation, a fresh start, a melting pot that eschews old ways of life for bold new worlds. So of the scant things to cling onto from its English masters, why the furlong did one of them have to be the Imperial system?

What kind of cruel absurdist place would force a child to learn a system where a fluid ounce contains 240 minims, or a yard is the length of one hundred and eight barleycorns? Myanmar. Liberia. The United States of America. And that’s it.

The US is one of three, THREE, remaining holdouts in the world that are stubbornly upholding a system of scientific measurements based on the guesswork of some syphilitic English king from the twelfth century. For a brief enlightened moment, the American government did try to throw off the shackles of its wig-wearing old-timey suppressors with the Metric Conversion Act of 1975. But with the switch being voluntary and not government-mandated, the United States Metric Board could not coerce copious conversion converts and the idea was abandoned in 1982, the American public not willing to restructure everyday society and, knowing themselves, invite wholesale slaughter by changing all the speed signs from 55 to 90.

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