All Hail Peter I, The Karate Conspiracist Who Crowned Himself King Of Germany

Did you know Germany still has a king? Neither do most Germans. But while his demesne is small and his armies consist mostly of middle-aged keyboard warriors, there is no denying the rise of Peter I, King of NeuDeutschland, Denier of Democracies, and Wearer of Ponytails.

On September 16, 2012, Peter Fitzek, a former karate teacher and slot machine owner, crowned himself the “King of Germany,” succeeding the last true monarch Kaiser Wilhelm II. It even says so on his passport — at least, the one he makes himself for his tiny kingdom of NeuDeutschland or “New Germany.” And for a few hundred euros, anyone can buy a “membership” into this petty kingdom, which has its own flag (the regular German one with a sun decal on it) and its own currency — Engelgeld or “angel money,” the only money in the world that has a standard denomination of sevens.

Together with his Queen Annett Ullmann, who serves House Kartoffel (or is a server at the local Kartoffelhaus, in modern parlance), King Peter rules over a vast demesne of a couple of abandoned factories southwest of Berlin which he has transformed into a definitely-not-a-cult compound. What kind of king is Peter? A very old school one — half paranoid megalomaniac, half religious nutjob. An Alex Jones type with a fake passport, Peter believes a corrupt deep state conspiracy (read: Jewish people) is out to get him and that every pebble against his windshield’s a deflected assassination attempt. He also believes he is in a war with Satanists and claims he can cleanse those tainted by the dark arts with his divine hands.

All Hail Peter I, The Karate Conspiracist Who Crowned Himself King Of Germany Funny Wikimedia CommonsHe’s one war tapestry with him atop a steed from being a full-blown medieval despot.

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