James Bond Is Objectively The Worst Action Hero

That’s when James outright asks whether Carver’s broadcasting satellites could “manipulate the course of governments, or people, or even a ship.” Everyone immediately IDs him as a secret agent. He might as well have said, “Does anyone here know the evil satellite plan? I’m simply curious as a banker.”

Eon Productions“Hi. I’m James Banker, disguised as a Bond. Dammit! I mean, um, MassMurdererSaysWhat?”
“Wha- Dammit! You’ve won this round, Mr. Banker. Or should I say, Mr. BOND.”

To be a good investigator, you should really know how to investigate things, which is something Bond never got the hang of. He’s somewhere between “slow” and “very lucky sleepwalker.” To see the worst of his deductive prowess, watch Die Another Day. In it, he takes an unreasonably long time to determine that the mysterious Gustav Graves is the North Korean colonel he fought in the opening sequence. He’s unable to deduce the “shocking” twist despite being slapped in the face with evidence, like Gustav’s connection to a DNA-altering hospital, the fact that most of his staff consists of the colonel’s old buddies, or simply all the weirdly cryptic things he keeps saying. Bond is always 40-50 minutes behind every other character and the entire audience.

Eon ProductionsIf he had a mustache, he’d be twirling the shit out of it.

Then there are the two Bond girls in that film. One openly works for Graves and joined MI6 around the same time Bond suspected there might be a mole in the organization. Surprise! She’s a double agent. The other kills a bunch of henchmen in broad daylight, then evades arrest by cliff-diving into a speedboat. Yeah, it turns out she’s a spy too, you colossal jackass. For 55 years, Bond has literally never met someone who wasn’t a super spy or supervillain, and he’s been surprised every single time.

007’s brain doesn’t even seem to have the same life-preserving reflexes a toddler would have. In Dr. No, he grabs an electrified vent cover in his jail cell, never considering that the super genius holding him prisoner might have booby-trapped the obvious exit. He seems to be very famous, yet his idea of subtle is walking into a casino without a disguise and announcing his real name to everyone. And one time, this crazy fucker dove face-first into a spinning propeller blade on his own accord.

Eon ProductionsHey, 20 years of syphilis and hangovers make people do crazy things.


Bond Constantly Lets People Sneak Up On Him And Has A Glass Skull

Every hero needs a weakness. Unfortunately, Bond’s is that he can never hear anyone behind him, and any impact of any kind to the back of the head renders him unconscious. Major villains and nameless henchmen alike take advantage of Bond’s built-in design flaw using whatever’s in reach. Seriously, you could take him out with a handful of pudding while wearing tap shoes.

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